The Adventures of Bella and the Crazy Cullens
by disenchantedx
Summary: Extremely random situations the Cullens and Bella get themselves into. Based on inside jokes/ my random experiences. Very OOC, but amusing.
1. So It Can Stare At You

**This whole series is going to be completely pointless. It will consist of inside jokes that my best friend and I have. I am aware that this is EXTREMELY OOC, but that's the point. This is supposed to be funny. **:

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Alice and I were on our way back from a long day of shopping in Port Angeles while Edward was hunting with Jasper, Carlisle and Emmett. We had the windows rolled down, because it was actually kind of nice outside. The radio was blaring loudly and I couldn't help but lose control to the funky beats.

"I got a pocket, got a pocket full of sunshine, I got a love and I know that it's all mine Oh, oh!"

Alice starred at me, paying no attention to the road.

"What?!" I asked, bouncing enthusiastically on my seat.

"Bella…I think maybe you should stop singing now. I don't think I can take anymore."

"Silly Alice! Just because I don't have the greatest singing voice doesn't mean that I shouldn't sing!" I practically screamed in her ear.

"Yeah, actually it does." Alice replied shaking her head.

"I got pocket, got a pocket full of sunshine, I got a love and I-WAIT!"  
Alice slammed the break and the tires screeched. She apparently thought I was dying.

"What is it Bella?!"

"I'm severely confuzzled. I mean, she is saying that she's got a pocket full of a pocket full of sunshine, correct."

Alice looked utterly pissed. She slowly started driving again and let a loud sigh escape her lips.

"No, Bella. She has a pocket full of sunshine."

"But she said, I got a pocket full, a pocket full of sunshine. So she has a pocket full of another pocket full of sunshine! Crikey!"

"Sure, Bella, whatever you want to think."

This continued for a while longer. I had sung along to the rest of Pocket Full of Sunshine, 4 Minutes, Best of Both Worlds and Girlfriend. Mariah Carey's voice soon filled the car.

"TOUCH MY BODEH-OH NO!"

"What is it now Bella?!" Alice was clearly irritated with my extremely annoying behavior.

"My bladder is going to explode soon if I do not relieve it!" I was bouncing again.

Alice sighed and pulled into the parking lot of a McDonald's. I opened the door and got out of the car. I noted that Alice stayed in her seat.

"Come on Alice! I really need to go pee pee!"

"Well go pee pee Bella! In case you are not aware, I, being a vampire, cannot pee pee. Therefore, I needn't get out of the car."

"Pish posh, Alice! I need company!"

Alice stared at me. I widened my eyes and gave her the puppy dog stare. She sighed and unbuckled her seatbelt.

"Dammit, Bella! You and that puppy dog stare of yours! It gets me every time!"

I was going to jump up and down with enthusiasm, but I realized that if I did, I would pee pee in the parking lot. Pee peeing in the parking lot was a no no. So I dashed for the door to the McDonalds, and Alice reluctantly followed me.

We entered the bathroom and I gasped.

"Oh my! This bathroom is beautiful!" I smiled.

The walls of the bathroom were a beige-ish brown-ish color. The lights were simply fantastic and the sinks looked ever so lovely. It was something I would not have expected in a McDonalds.

"Yeah, this is a new McDonald's, therefore new bathrooms. This one isn't the most disgusting bathroom I've seen. Grant it, I rarely enter bathrooms." Alice was observing the light fixtures intently. "Bella, don't you have some business to attend to?"

"Oh right! My bladder!"

I walked into one of the stalls, and it was incredible! It was spacious and there was a mirror in it! I also noticed a small white seat with black buckles on it attached to the walls, facing the toilet. I quickly relived my bladder, flushed the toilet and then opened the stall door.

"Alice what is this?" I asked pointing to the mysterious chair.

"That's for babies, Bella. You put your baby in there so you can do your business without having to hold it or anything." Alice was talking to me like I was three.

"But, it's facing the toilet!" I protested.

"Yes?" Alice seemed confused.

"SO YOU PUT YOUR BABY IN THE SEAT SO IT CAN STARE AT YOU WHILE YOU PEE PEE OR POO POO?!"

"Bella, it's a baby. It won't understand what's going on. And what's with the lingo? Are you not eighteen years old?" Alice replied.

"I think I'm 18. But I don't want babies starring at me!" I pouted.

"Then don't have a baby, Bella! This problem can be avoided altogether!" Alice was angered.

"Oh…okay!" I smiled and washed my hands.

It then dawned on me that we were in fact in a McDonald's!

"OMG ALICE CAN I GET A BIG MAC?!"

Alice sighed and slapped her palm against her forehead, and shook her head vigorously. She then walked out of the bathroom and I hopped after her.

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**Heeheehee! Randomness is fun! And yes, this is based off of a true bathroom in a real McDonalds that was seen when my best friend and I went to Detroit. I believe it is somewhere in Ohio.**

Anyway, REVIEW?! I will love you forever.


	2. Carlizzle pwns

"Bella what happened to your foot," Edward asked me, eyeing my swollen ankle.

"Oh. Wow. I think that happened yesterday," I shrugged.

"You've been walking on it all day?" He asked.

"Yeah. Believe me, when you hurt yourself as much as I do, you kind of get used to be in constant pain."

His eyes narrowed. "Why don't you go and see Carlisle?"

I nodded and then hopped down the hall to Carlisle's study. I started to knock on the door, when I realized that the door wasn't closed all the way. When my knuckle collided with the door, the door pushed open, revealing a sight that I would have never thought I would see in any of my days.

Carlisle stood, back to the door, swaying to the beats of Soulja Boy. My eyes widened when I noticed that Soulja Boy was not singing on this track, Carlisle was.

"Watch me crank that soulja boy, then super man that hoe, now watch me youuuuuu!!" Not only was Carlisle rapping the lyrics, but the dance moves were incredible!

I continued to watch Carlisle as he completed the song. When the song was complete, Carlisle went to the stereo system to turn off the track. He then turned around with a satisfied smirk on his face. His eyes finally found me, as his eyes widened in horror.

"Oh! Bella! What-er what do you need?" He scrambled to his desk and tried to make himself look professional.

I continued to stare at him, utterly shocked. I did not know that this vampire had this kind of talent!

"Carlisle! That was incredible!" I smiled and began to clap.

"Well, now. That's just something I do to let out the stress." He replied sheepishly. "Do you mind not telling anyone?"

"Why not?! You have so much talent, Carlisle; you shouldn't just keep it to yourself! That's selfish!" I was practically yelling.

"Y-you really think I have talent?" He asked.

"Of course, Carlisle! You're even better than Charlie, and let me tell you, he's got some moves." I commented.

"It's become a passion of mine as of late." He admitted.

"Okay its decided Carlisle, you will perform for your family tonight! I have the perfect song!"

"Wasn't there a reason you came in here in the first place?" He asked. "I thought I heard Edward say something about a foot."

"Oh, screw my foot! We need to get you ready!"

LATER THAT AFTERNOON

"Bella, sweetheart, what's going on?" Esme asked impatiently. "Is everything okay?"

"Oh, Esme! Everything is just delightful!" I replied with a large grin.

Esme, Edward, Emmett, Rosalie, Alice and Jasper were all gathered in the large family room, where I had called a family meeting. The only one who knew what was going on was Alice, and that was because of that darn gift of hers! She seemed too shocked to speak.

"Bella, why is Carlisle blocking his thoughts from me?" Edward asked me nervously.

"You'll see in a second, be patient! I'm surprised Alice hasn't given it away yet." I shot her a death glare as a warning. She was motionless, starring off into space.

"She's not thinking anything really. Except that she might need therapy. I'm scared." Edward's eyes widened in horror.

"Silly, goose! No one is going to need any thurp!" I giggled.

"Uh, thurp?" Jasper asked.

"Yes, thurp." I replied "CARLISLE ARE YOU READY?!" I yelled, even though I knew he would be able to hear me whisper, I just couldn't hide my excitement.

I heard a faint "yes" from Carlisle who was in the other room.

"Alright, everyone. I have called this meeting because I learned something that had me amazed, this afternoon. Our beloved Carlisle has been hiding an incredible talent of his from us." I began. The others looked severely confused, except Alice who still looked horrified. "Give him a chance, I tell you he is amazing. Ladies and gentlemen, I now present to you, Carlizzle."

Carlisle walked into the room. He was wearing his shorts extremely low, exposing his white boxers, his hand securely placed at the waistband to hold them to his body. His large red t-shirt hung loosely from his body, and he had several long necklaces of pure 'bling'. He was wearing a flat-billed hat on the top of his head, the bill pointed slightly to the left. In his mouth was a marvelous grill that was gold, with rubies and diamonds, two of the 'teeth' on his grill pointed down like fangs.

I smiled widely at my hard work, and looked at the reactions of the other vampires. Alice, Jasper and Rosalie had similar expressions of horror on their face as they looked at the man who acted as their father. Edward had his eyes wide and his nostrils flared, he looked as though he had just seen someone shot and then torn to pieces. Emmett had a large grin on his face, obviously eager to see Carlizzle's performance. Esme looked as though she was about to cry as she looked up at her husband.

"With out further ado, Carlizzle will grace us with the beauty of his hip-hop skillz." I smiled and went to sit down next to Edward who sat immobile, starring at Carlizzle.

Carlizzle went to the stereo and pressed play on the machine. We waited for a second for the song to begin. And when it did, I smiled. It was extremely firmiliar to me, because it was Charlie's favorite song and mine.

The other seemed to recognize the song, and their expressions turned more horrific. Except Emmett of course, who let out a 'whoop!' of excitement. Carlizzle smiled and began to dance. Then he began to rap, in that lovely voice of his.

"It's poppin' It's poppin' It's poppin' It's poppin'! What chu know 'bout me, what chu, what chu know bout me?! What chu know bout me, what chu, what chu know!"

Carlizzle continued to move to the beats, and rap about how poppin' his lip gloss be. It was fantastic. Emmett and I were both cheering him on, and stomping out feet at the appropriate times in the music. The others continued with their horrified stares, but I ignored them and got lost in the mad beats of Carlizzle. Edward noticed.

"Bella are you having a seizure?" He asked me nervously, as I was dancing in the loveseat that Edward and I shared.

"No, silly! I'm dancing! Dance, Edward, dance!" I chanted. He starred at me like I was crazy. I sighed, and gave up getting him to dance, though I did not stop.

Carlizzle finished his rap, and bowed. Emmett and I both stood up and clapped and shouted.

"Carlizzle! You are amazing!" Emmett assessed.

"Isn't he though?!" I was happy.

Carlizzle smiled at us, flashing his vampified grillz. He then turned to look at his wife.

"Esme, my sweet, what did you think?" Carlizzle asked

Esme seemed at a loss for words, "Well, dear, er-let's just say I'm happy that you have a medical degree." Esme got up from the couch, and walked over to Carlizzle. She patted the hair on his head that was not covered with his hat, and walked out of the room.

"Carlizzle, you have mad skillz." Emmett assured him, when Esme was out of sight.

"Word," I agreed.

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**HAHA! This one made me chuckle. I wasn't going to post it yet, because I only got 2 reviews on the last chapter, which is pathetic, but I decided to anyway.**

**BY THE WAY! I do not own any of the Twilight characters or the song Lip Gloss by Lil Mama. I did however, create Carlizzle and I would appreciate if you left him alone.**

**But yes, my friend broke her foot and didn't realize until the next day, which is where the beginning comes from. Carlizzle is an inside joke with a few of my friends, and I love him. And my friend really does have vampified grillz and they are incredible. I couldn't resist putting Lip Gloss in this chapter.**

**Okay, done ranting. Now REVIEW! The more reviews I get, the faster I will update.**


	3. My Mexican Princess

I walked up the porch steps to the Cullen's house, preparing myself to knock on the door. Before I brought my fist to the door, it opened and out walked the love of my existence.

"Edward!" I squealed and hugged him.

"What a greeting!" Edward chuckled, and kissed my hair. "So, what would you like to do?"

"Anything you want, Pookie." I replied.

Edward scrunched up his face when I said this. He hated nicknames, but I insisted on calling him random pet names. Then my stomach growled, and I was ravenous.

"Well, maybe we should go get you something to eat." He suggested.

"Alright," I smiled at him.

He unwound his arms from where the rested around my waist and began to walk down the porch steps. I noticed that my shoe was untied; so I bent down to tie it.

"Are you coming, Love?" he asked

"One moment, my Mexican Princess!" I shouted.

"Erm…Mexican Princess?" My new nickname seemed to startle him.

I finished tying my shoe, and I walked down the steps. I went to where Edward stood outside the door to his Volvo.

"Yes, you are my little Mexican Princess!" I said, pinching his cheeks.

"Uh, Bella, why don't you get in the car…?" He was starring at me like I had 37 eyes.

"Certainly!" I said, and I walked over to the passenger side of his Volvo. We rode in silence for a few minutes.

"What are you in the mood for, Bella?" Edward asked me.

"You," I replied simply, stroaking his arm, winking at him.

"Food wise, Bella."

"I want some SALSA!" I said, snapping my fingers at the word 'salsa'.

Edward sighed. "I should have known. Mexican food it is."

Edward drove the rest of the way to the only Mexican restaurant in Forks. We pulled up to the building, and Edward parked in an open spot near the front door. He got out of the car, and was by my door in seconds. He opened the door, helped me out of the car, and walked me into the restaurant. The hostess at the front desk grabbed two menus, and walked us to a booth in the back of the restaurant. Edward smiled at her, and she almost fainted. I chuckled. Within a minute, a male waiter came to our table.

"Hello! My name is Hector and I'll be your waiter. What can I get you to drink?" He spoke with a heavy Spanish accent.

"I'll have a Coke." I replied.

Hector wrote that down, and looked up at Edward. "And for you, sir?" he asked, his voice seductive.

"Uh, nothing. I'm fine." Edward said, uncomfortably.

"Well, okay then. Be right back with your Coke." He acknowledged me with his hand, but his eyes never left Edward. He then walked back to the kitchen.

"How sweet, Edward!" I said, "You have an admirer!"

Edward's eyes were wide with horror, and he seemed at loss for words. I opened the menu to figure out what I was going to order. I saw an image in the menu of a greenish, brown substance in a blue bowl.

"Ew, their Guacamole looks like porta-potty," I pointed out, repulsed.

"That's pleasant, Bella," Edward replied, softly. His eyes were still wide, and he seemed disturbed.

Hector returned shortly with my beverage, and some chips and salsa. He placed both on the table, and glanced again at Edward.

"What would you like for dinner?" He asked, his eyes never leaving Edward. Edward looked down at the table, avoiding Hector's gaze.

"I want chicken fajitas!" I practically screamed. I was excited for my fajitas.

"K. And for you sir?" His voice changed to a seductive tone once more.

"Nothing. I'm. Fine." Edward replied through gritted teeth.

"Are you sure? I could make you a special margarita." Hector suggested.

"I've just said that I do not want anything. Besides, I'm only seventeen years old. Now will you please get my girlfriend her fajitas?!" Edward's nostrils were flaring with anger.

Hector took the hint and walked away. The wait for my fajitas was a silent affair, as Edward was clearly uncomfortable. Hector returned once more with my sizzling fajitas, but did not say anything to Edward.

I dug into my fajitas, and they were delicious. Edward sat there silently as I ate, looking like he would rather be anywhere else in the world, other than under the wrath of Hector.

I finished my fajitas at a speedy rate, for Edward's sake. When I was done, Hector appeared.

"Is there anything else I can get for you?" The question was directed toward Edward.

"No thank you, the check would be lovely, though." Edward hinted.

Hector left, momentarily, and returned with a piece of paper in his hand. He handed it to Edward. Edward examined the check and took a bill out of his wallet. He handed both bills to Hector.

"Keep the change," Edward said, shortly.

"Why thank you, sir!" Hector replied with enthusiasm. He stood and smiled at Edward for a few more seconds. This made me oddly jealous.

"Excuse me, sir," I said to Hector, and pointed at Edward. "That man is _my_ Mexican Princess, not yours so back off!" I guess I yelled this, rather than saying this, because the entire restaurant went silent and stared at me, Edward and Hector.

Hector stared at me for a second, and then sulked back to the kitchen. I could feel the blush rising in my cheeks as I slowly turned my head to Edward. He was gawking at me, his mouth slightly open, and his eyes wide.

"Uh, are you ready to go?" I asked him.

He simply nodded in response, and got up. He took my hand and he guided me out the door at a speedy pace. We got into his Volvo, and Edward drove away from the restaurant without another word.

"Sorry about that, Pookie. But he was not about to steal my man!" I shouted.

"Bella, you don't need to worry about him, or anyone else for that matter, 'stealing your man'. I'm all yours." He told me, smiling sweetly.

We made small conversation on the way home. Edward held my hand securely the whole way home. We were just a couple miles away from the Cullen's house when I saw some road kill lying in the middle of the lane Edward was driving in. I couldn't quite make out what the animal was.

"Oh dear!" I said when I saw it. We drove closer to the spot where the animal lay, and as Edward's headlights landed on the animal's body, it's head moved and it's eyes bored into mine.

"OH MY GOD! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" I screamed.

Naturally, Edward flipped a nut when I screamed. He drove his car off the road and into the grassy area on the side of the road.

"Bella?! Are you okay?! What's wrong?!" Edward turned the lights on in his car and examined me.

"Th-that animal was alive! It stared at me!" I said, frantically.

Edward sighed in relief. "What is with you and things starring at you?"

"No me gusta," I replied. "I think that was a mutant beaver."

"I'm pretty sure it was a squirrel, Bella," Edward insisted.

"Mutant beaver!" I protested

"Let me check." Edward got out of the car, and walked closer to the road to examine the animal. I rolled down my window. "Yep. A squirrel." He turned around and as he looked at his car, his eyes widened.

"Edward, what's wrong?" I asked.

Edward stood at the back door of his car, his mouth open. I quickly opened my door, and joined him, to see what was the matter.

On the back door, there was a scratch from a tree branch that was a couple inches long. The scratch had obviously occurred when Edward pulled into the grassy area after my outbreak.

"M-my Volvo!" Edward moaned in despair.

"Pookie, it's only a small scratch. I'm sure Rosalie can fix it in a heartbeat." I put my hand on his back, reassuringly. Edward traced the scratch with his long, pale fingers and let out dry sobs.

"There, there my Mexican Princess, everything will be okay," I patted his back, and he leaned into me for support. I would make everything okay. After all, nobody messes with my man, or his car. Not even Hector.

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**Okay. So the whole Mexican Princess thing was something that my best friend called my dog once. And Hector and a lot of the events that happened in the Mexican restaurant are inside jokes with my dad.**

**Oh, I keep forgetting to say that, I only own Carlizzle and Hector in this series. All of the other characters belong to the lovely Stephenie Meyer.**

**So the more reviews I get, the faster I update. It's as simple as that. So review!**


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